Effortless Networking

… I would get over my fear of not wanting to waste other people’s time, and ask them for their help

… I’d speak in front of large groups of people and tell them what I do (because I love what I do!)

… I would promote myself and my business without feeling self-conscious

You can add to this list what you would do, if you only had the confidence.

And if you’ve ever caught yourself saying something like this, here is my question for you: How do you know that you’re “lacking confidence”? How did you come to this conclusion — based on what?

Here’s what I mean:

At a conference I attended a while ago, the speaker at one of the sessions paused to see if the audience had any questions.

One woman raised her hand. She started by saying that since her heart was thumping hard, it meant that she had something important to say. So she’d better stand up and say it.

I was stunned.

I didn’t hear much of what she said, because I was too busy processing the implication of her opening remarks.

Here’s what I was thinking:

All these years, when my heart started thumping during similar situations, I had interpreted this as being a sign of nervousness, fear, anxiety — in other words, lack of confidence.

So unlike this woman, I often didn’t speak up when this happened because I was sure that I was too afraid or nervous to speak clearly.

And at those times when I did speak, I was so focused on my thumping heart and related discomfort, that I couldn’t pay much attention to what I was saying. As a result, I ended up doing exactly what I was afraid I’d do — not speak clearly or coherently.

So I concluded that I just didn’t have the confidence to speak in front of large groups, or start conversations with people I didn’t know.

However, hearing this woman’s comment I wondered:

• What if my thumping heart is an indication something else?
• Have I been misinterpreting this as “lack of confidence” all these years?
• Is it possible that I don’t lack confidence after all, and have been holding myself back unnecessarily?

My point is this: very often our “lack of confidence” is a result of how we interpret a particular situation.

So gaining confidence then is a matter of re-interpreting the same situation from a different perspective.

Talking about confidence, perspectives and interpretations, here is our 3-year old son Robi competing with 4- and 5-year old kids. You don’t see these other kids in this photo, because Robi came last at this race. But he didn’t care. In fact, he had a great time! So is Robi confident or clueless? What’s your interpretation?

For more information about simple ways to boost your confidence, overcome your self-consciousness or shyness, click here.

In the meantime, apply this concept the next time you feel insecure — and see what happens…

From time to time, many of us have difficulty remembering names and other details about people we’ve just met — at networking events or elsewhere.

I’ve been blessed with very good memory, and sometimes I too forget names of people a few seconds after we’ve been introduced. How embarrassing!

A common suggestion is that you repeat the person’s name many times so you remember it.

However, I have found that this technique doesn’t always work.

Do you know why this is?

Because, while my mouth is talking, my mind is elsewhere. So the name that I’ve just repeated 17 times never really registered!

If you often have difficulty recalling someone’s name seconds after you hear it, don’t despair — it’s not because your memory is bad.

It’s probably because your mind was elsewhere. You were probably spacing out, or rehearsing what to say next, or wondering how to make a good impression, or something along these lines.

What’s the solution, then?

Simple really — just pay attention. In other words, stay present and truly participate in the conversation.

We remember things that are important and interesting to us — no matter how trivial.

So when you’re able to stay present, you give yourself a chance to really listen. And when you listen without getting distracted, you retain what’s important and relevant for you without even trying.

Check it out, and I think you’ll find that this statement to be true in your life as well.

And how do you stay present and focused?

Just practice.

Practice bringing yourself back to the conversation every time you drift away.

Simple ways to practice staying focused during conversations is covered in module 3 of the Effortless Networking home-study program.

A reader commented once that “being authentic” was her biggest challenge in business networking.

Here is my response:

• When you’re not authentic, who are you?
• What specifically prevents you from being authentic?
• In situations when you are authentic, what allows you to be this way?

If you choose to truly engage in these questions for yourself, here are my follow up questions for you:

1. What did you learn from answering these questions?
2. How will you use this information?

Till next week,
– Sri

I hate “conversation starters”!

Recently I was asked to write an article for an organization, and they suggested I provide some sample conversation starters.

From my strong reaction to that innocent suggestion, I realized just how much I disliked “conversation starters”! I dislike them for many reasons, but mostly because I don’t like to be on the receiving end of it.

Conversation starters aren’t bad.

It is possible to use conversation starters successfully, and many people do so, I’m sure. However most often they are misused.

There are 2 main problems with using conversation starters:

1. Not knowing or understanding the principle behind the technique.

   Often, conversations fizzle out even before they get started simply because people use tips or techniques without knowing how to use them. (It’s hard to use any technique without understanding fully the principle behind them.)

   For example, a common tip is to ask people what their biggest challenge is in their work.

   However, if you don’t know what to do with the answer you get when you use this “starter”, where will the conversation go?

2. Using someone else’s words or way of talking.

   Sample conversation starters, by definition, are someone else’s words.

   I don’t know about you, but when I try to speak or write in a manner that’s not my own, it doesn’t work.

   It sounds fake and forced to me, which then makes me feel awkward. And neither of these makes for a good conversation.

So what’s the solution?

• First, talk or ask about things that you’re genuinely interested in.

  And if you must you use a sample conversation starter or technique, make sure you understand the principle behind them.

  In other words, why are you asking the question that you are? What will you do with the answer? Do you even care about the topic?!

• Second, figure out what you want to say. Then use your own words and your own way of speaking to say it.

  It’s much more powerful than using any script.

  You’ll be able to express yourself better – you’ll be able to explain why you’re asking the questions you are, what you find interesting about the topic, and so on.

  And you’ll not be distracted by the awkwardness of using someone else’s way of speaking.

Don’t take my word for it though — try it out for yourself and see what happens.

Till next week,
– Sri