Effortless Networking

I hate “conversation starters”!

Recently I was asked to write an article for an organization, and they suggested I provide some sample conversation starters.

From my strong reaction to that innocent suggestion, I realized just how much I disliked “conversation starters”! I dislike them for many reasons, but mostly because I don’t like to be on the receiving end of it.

Conversation starters aren’t bad.

It is possible to use conversation starters successfully, and many people do so, I’m sure. However most often they are misused.

There are 2 main problems with using conversation starters:

1. Not knowing or understanding the principle behind the technique.

   Often, conversations fizzle out even before they get started simply because people use tips or techniques without knowing how to use them. (It’s hard to use any technique without understanding fully the principle behind them.)

   For example, a common tip is to ask people what their biggest challenge is in their work.

   However, if you don’t know what to do with the answer you get when you use this “starter”, where will the conversation go?

2. Using someone else’s words or way of talking.

   Sample conversation starters, by definition, are someone else’s words.

   I don’t know about you, but when I try to speak or write in a manner that’s not my own, it doesn’t work.

   It sounds fake and forced to me, which then makes me feel awkward. And neither of these makes for a good conversation.

So what’s the solution?

• First, talk or ask about things that you’re genuinely interested in.

  And if you must you use a sample conversation starter or technique, make sure you understand the principle behind them.

  In other words, why are you asking the question that you are? What will you do with the answer? Do you even care about the topic?!

• Second, figure out what you want to say. Then use your own words and your own way of speaking to say it.

  It’s much more powerful than using any script.

  You’ll be able to express yourself better – you’ll be able to explain why you’re asking the questions you are, what you find interesting about the topic, and so on.

  And you’ll not be distracted by the awkwardness of using someone else’s way of speaking.

Don’t take my word for it though — try it out for yourself and see what happens.

I thought I’d write about a common challenge: meeting new people or the “right” people.

But a curious thing happened.

As I was writing, I made a typo and ended up with an very interesting title: My Biggest Challenge In Business Networking Is Me (it was supposed to be “My Biggest Challenge In Business Networking Is Meeting New People”.)

Well, this was too good a topic to pass. So let’s talk about how we can be our biggest challenge!

We are told, and many of us believe, that we need to behave a certain way, dress a certain way, talk about or not talk about certain things, when it comes to business networking.

I disagree.

This is one very simple way we can become our own biggest networking challenge.

Think about it.

Where is your attention and focus, when you’re trying to “present a professional image”? (And whose definition of “professional” is it anyway?)

For instance, I know that when I’m trying to be “professional”, all my attention goes towards “being professional”, leaving very little for conversations or other people.

This is NOT a good thing in business networking!

On the other hand, when I’m not worrying about *my* image, my focus and attention can be (and usually is) directed 100% towards other people and the conversations we’re having.

And not surprisingly, I present a much better “image” by doing so.

I’m not saying be sloppy or rude (and if you’re reading this article, you’re probably neither).

What I am saying is just be yourself.

Don’t believe me? I dare you to try it out! See what happens.

Till next week,
– Sri

A reader wrote to me once saying that making small talk was not a problem for her. Her challenge was transitioning from small talk to talking about business.

Do you share this challenge?

Do you feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about or promoting your business?

Well, I used to feel this way when I first started my business. (And no, I don’t feel that way anymore!)

In retrospect, I discovered that my discomfort was due to 3 “simple” things.

Once I solved these, I became quite comfortable and confident talking about and promoting my business.

So here are the 3 things:

1. Are you clear about what you do or offer?

   When I first started my business, I had the hardest time explaining what I did. As a result, I was always uncomfortable talking about my business, forget about promoting it!

   “I never had this problem in the corporate world”, I thought. “So what’s the difference?”

   The difference, I realized, was that I didn’t have a good sense of what I was offering.

   My services were too general, not focused and crisp like my job responsibilities when I worked at companies.

   So describing what I did was obviously difficult — and therefore, awkward.

2. Do you believe in your product or service?

   A family member once asked me whether I was interested in promoting a particular software product.

   After looking at it, I found myself quite excited about it. I could see the potential of this product, and I believed that it could be very useful for specific businesses.

   I started explaining it earnestly to my husband…

   And I remember stopping mid-stream and exclaiming: “Well now, why don’t I talk about my own business like this?”

   Well, it’s hard to believe in your product or service, and talk about it earnestly and passionately, if you don’t know what you’re offering!

3. Do you know who would find your product or service useful?

   In another similar situation, as I was listening to someone explain why his service was useful to certain people, I realized that I couldn’t do the same for my services.

   I didn’t have a good sense of the kinds of people who would find my service useful because — you guessed it — I wasn’t clear about what I was offering.

   So how could I know who would find it useful? And equally importantly, why they’d find it useful?

As a result, I’d always feel awkward about promoting my business, because I was never sure whether I was promoting it to the right people.

So if talking about your business is difficult for you, check out these three questions and see what comes up for you.

Till next week,
– Sri